Our Least Favorite Insects

Getting started….

Started writing this post about favorite / least favorite insects, but ended up writing about the LEAST favorite. Fascination took over.

The thought process reminds me of a song by Kris Kristofferson:

I started writing a song about Chris Gentry and ended up writing about Dennis Hopper, Johnny Cash… Norman, Norbert, Funky Donnie Fritts, Billy Swan, Bobby Neuwirth, Jerry Jeff Walker, Paul Siebel…and Ramblin’ Jack Elliott had a lot to do with it – The Pilgrim, Chapter 33

How could this possibly happen?

The evolution involved with these insect bad boys reminds me of a quote by Kurt Vonnegut:
“Sometimes I wonder about the Creator of the Universe.” – Breakfast of Champions

By Shortridge High School – http://digitallibrary.imcpl.org/cdm/ref/collection/shs/id/5834, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=38483551

Fire Ant

Easily the winner for least favorite insect, the imported fire ant is a blight upon the US south – anywhere that it is hot and muggy.

Although only a 1 on the Schmidt sting pain index, they make up for this deficiency by stinging en masse^(*) via some bizarre pheromone communication device.

More questions than answers. Why is fire ant alarm pheromone commercially available? How much does it cost? Why is it listed as an ingredient in my generic Frozen Pizza Roles?

Speaking of which, foods with more than 25 ingredients:

Cheez Whiz
Big Mac Sauce
Pringles
Lunchables
and…

But back to the fire ants….
Here’s what it’s like: you wake up in the morning, go to the closet, select your favorite guayabera, put it on, then immediately get a dozen fire ant stings. After saying, “Heavens to Betsy“, you find that all your clothes are covered with fire ants, including all the clothes in the dirty hamper. It’s also really hot, for some reason. You go outside to check the AC, and see a huge fire ant mound that wasn’t there yesterday, and there’s sparks coming out of the heat pump because the ants have been attracted to the ozone produced by the motor, and have binged en masse^(*) on this ozone to completely short out everything.

The sting of *Solenopsis invicta*, the Red Imported Fire Ant, is well known to many in the southern United States, but immunotherapy is possible. – NPR.org

Semi-sequitur: Houston-based fire ants are a minor plot point in Neal Stephenson’s excellent book, Termination Shock. You can tell that they are Houston fire ants because the refuse to allow you to merge into their lane. What’s the deal, Houston?

Not scary enough? These guys will form floating rafts to outlive the hurricanes.

The Cicada Killer

You see these around central Texas.

This is the second largest wasp species in North America – second only to the Tarantula Hawk. Although the Cicada Killer life cycle is terrifying (Blumhouse-worthy), the sting is supposedly not too bad (a 2 on the Schmidt sting pain index), they are mostly chill around people, and are good pollinators.

Here is a crazy guy intentionally stinging himself with a Cicada Killer:

Tarantula Hawk / Totally Unacceptable

The tarantula hawk is actually a kind of solitary wasp, with a sting that causes a fiercely electric pain that could only be described as totally unacceptable. – wired.com

It has a top-level 4 on the Schmidt sting pain index. It is basically the Carolina Reaper of the insect world.

Over 63 million humans have watched the same guy get stung by a Tarantula Hawk.

But his most viewed video, at 81 million views, is him stinging himself with the “Cow Killer”.

(note: the WLBOTT Hathaway Assurance Mutual Pioneer Acuity Colonial Guardian Insurance Global Encompass Met (WLBOTT HAM-PAC-GIGEM) has declined to offer this gentleman a life insurance policy).