Book Club: the WLBOTT Equation

Our readers may be familiar with the Drake Equation. Basically, you plug numbers into an equation to determine the probability of having friends and neighbors in the Milky Way.

where

N = the number of civilizations in the Milky Way galaxy with which communication might be possible (i.e. which are on the current past light cone);

and

R∗ = the average rate of star formation in our Galaxy

f_p = the fraction of those stars that have planets

n_e = the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets

f_l = the fraction of planets that could support life that actually develop life at some point

f_i = the fraction of planets with life that actually go on to develop intelligent life (civilizations)

f_c = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space

L = the length of time for which such civilizations release detectable signals into space

WLBOTT is interested in jumping into the highly lucrative book review game, but want to avoid all the subjective aspects of the review. We need an analytical tool like the Drake Equation.

In the past, reviewers could be influenced by capricious moods, IRL events, and pondering such non-literary topics such as:

What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do I get out of jury duty?
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
What if I have a heart attack while playing charades?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.
If the future, the present, and the past walk into a bar, will things get tense?
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

We have decided to go for a more analytical approach. Using the Drake Equation as our guide, we will construct a weighted WLBOTT review index.

The WLBOTT Equation

WLBOTT is considering the following coefficients to formalize the book review process:

Glycemic Index – how slowly is it digested, and how long does it stick with you….
Soap Opera Percentage. Not too much, not too little. We recognize the need for some human interaction.
Page Turner?
New Thoughts / New perspective
Viable Devil’s Advocate – plausible, viable alternate points of view expressed
New vocab words, but not too many.
Did you learn anything new?
3D/4D characters?
Does the author describe what everyone is wearing in every scene, down to the shoes? If so, automatic zero.
The Old WLBOTT Try. How much effort did the author put into it? [ed. note: we respect minimal effort]
11th Grade Book Report Analogy: would this be a Sunday night, 11:00pm fiasco?
GSI – Goldilocks Swearing Index: is there just the right amount of swearing? Neither too much or too little, with the appropriate creativity and enthusiasm?
(negative) Is the author full of it? Is s/he writing exclusively for a NYT book reviewer?
Curated absurdity is always a plus. Magical realism. We do draw the line, however, at dividing by zero.
Is the book set in New Orleans during Marti Gras? Is a deranged killer outsmarting police by running thru the parade? If so, automatic zero.
Is the book set in New Orleans and there just happens to be street musicians on each corner? If so, automatic zero.
Is the book set in New Orleans, and there is a deranged killer running thru an above-ground cemetery? If so, automatic zero.
Is the book set in New Orleans? If so, automatic zero.
Does the book have yams as an important plot point? If so, bonus points.
Linearity. Discontinuous functions can be a thing of beauty, but hoping around, à la Memento, can be really annoying.

References

^[2] Soap Opera Percentage

Examples of a zero score (too little / too much)

(too little)

(too much) Character #1 raises an eyebrow, and character #2 spends four paragraphs analyzing.

^[3] Wait – Page Turner is a person? Very cool!

^[5] Devil’s Advocate

Not really related to the Book Club, but I love this movie…..

^[8] 3D / 4D Characters

Acceptable:

Not Acceptable:

Marginally Acceptable:

^[10] In Dave Barry Does Japan, Dave explains to a shopkeeper that he is writing a book on Japan during his short visit there. The shopkeeper asks, “How will you be able to write a book in such a short time?” Dave replies, “Well, it won’t be a very good book.”

^[12] Google image search is a little thin on “Goldilocks Swearing Index”, but it it did introduce us to a movie we were not aware of: Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge (IMDB).

2024? What are we supposed to do ’till then?