Encyclical Letter of Pope Spudicus XIII

Gents – I need to publicly reveal my research to the Elders. UC#3 can back me up on this since he is conversant in ancient languages, relics and coins.

March 15 has incorrectly been designated as the ‘Ides of March’. But due to poor scholarship, conspiracies by the Anti-Popes of Avignon and bad wine, March 15 is actually ‘The Eyes of Starch’. This logically flanges up with St Patrick’s Day on 3/17.

In ancient Rome and then in Ireland in the Middle Ages, 3/15 was celebrated as the ‘Eyes of Starch’ and tubers were roasted, baked, boiled and mashed to celebrate the day. But we cannot forget the Purge of The Sour Cream that occurred in 1645 when an encyclical was written by Pope Spudicus the XIII, outlawing the use of sour cream on tubers.
UC#3

The Encyclical in Question

**Encyclical Letter of Pope Spudicus XIII**

*Ex Cathedra Decree Regarding the Use of Sour Cream on Potatoes*

To our beloved children in Christ, and to all who inhabit the lands where the humble potato grows:

Grace and blessings be upon you.

As stewards of the faithful and guardians of culinary tradition, it is incumbent upon us to address matters of gastronomic significance. It has come to our attention that a contentious debate has arisen in kitchens and dining halls alike concerning the application of sour cream upon the noble potato.

After much prayerful consideration and consultation with the esteemed scholars of our esteemed Pontifical Academy of Culinary Arts, we hereby declare and decree the following:

1. Sour cream, though a delightful condiment in its own right, shall henceforth be forbidden in conjunction with the consumption of potatoes, in any form or preparation.

2. The aforementioned prohibition extends to all manner of potatoes, whether mashed, baked, fried, scalloped, or otherwise.

3. Any violation of this decree shall be considered a grave offense against culinary decency and shall incur appropriate penance, including but not limited to fasting from potatoes for a period not less than seven days.

4. We enjoin all faithful adherents to this decree to spread its message far and wide, that the sanctity of the potato may be preserved for generations to come.

Let it be known that this decree is issued from the depths of our pastoral concern and with a fervent desire for gastronomic harmony among our flock.

Given at the Holy See, on this auspicious day of our Lord, in the year of our Spud, 1645.

**Spudicus XIII**

*Supreme Pontiff of Potatoes*
Vatican Archives

The Original Latin:

Litterae encyclicae Spudici Papae XIII.

*Ex Cathedra Decretum de Usu Cream in Potatoes*

Dilectis in Christo filiis et omnibus habitantibus in terris ubi crescit annuus humilis;

Gratia et benedictio sit super te.

Sicut fidelium dispensatores et custodes traditionis culinariae, oportet nos alloqui res significationem gastronomicam. Pervenit in mentem nostram contentionem in coquinis ac tricliniis simul ortam esse de applicatione acidi cremor super annuum nobile.

Post multam precum considerationem ac consultationem cum probatissimis Viris doctissimis Pontificiae Academiae Culinariae Artium, declaramus ac decernimus quae sequuntur:

1. Acerbum cremor, quamvis iure suo delectabile condimentum, deinceps in coniunctione cum tuberum in quacumque forma seu praeparatione prohibebitur.

2. Praedicta prohibitio ad omnes modos potatoes, sive mashed, coctus, frixus, exter, vel aliter.

3. Quaevis huius decreti violatio gravis culpa contra pudorem culinariam censeatur, et congruam poenitentiam incurrat, non tamen intra tempus non minus quam per septem dies a potatoes in ieiunio coarctatur.

4. Omnes fideles adhaerentes huic decreto praecipimus ut eius nuntium longe lateque diffundant, ut sanctitas annui in generationes posteros conservetur.

Pateat hoc decretum ex intimis sollicitudinis nostrae pastoralis emissum ac ferventi desiderio harmoniae gastronomicae inter gregi nostro.

Datum apud S. Sedem, in hac fausta die Domini Nostri Iesu Christi, Anno Domini Millesimo trecentesimo tricesimo quinto, MDCXLV.

Spudicus XIII.
Summus Pontifex Potatoes

The Convocation of the Elders

Some Heresies Ensued

For the Most Part, Humble Compliance

Fringe Branches

Protest movements arose within the Church, most notably among the Decalced Decroced Eastern Latin brothers and sisters. They have been marginally tolerated by the Church, mostly because make really good perogies.