WLBOTT is preparing its official vice presidential selection. Our CEO/CCCP, Will Bott, will make a fine running mate for Kamala Harris. In the coming days, we will provide a full press announcement.
But first we must address with some bad news.
Opposition Research
As part of our due diligence, we have thoroughly researched Will Bott‘s past, and encountered several problematic areas.
The Iowa Incident
While living in Iowa, Will claimed he could see Russia from his back porch.
The Shirly Jones Incident
Will had an embarrassing schoolboy crush on Shirley Jones. He auditioned for a spot on a commercial for Shirley’s Coney Island Hot Dog Steamer, but it didn’t go well.
Accusations of Twine Marketing Fraud
In an attempt to boast twine sales, Will Bott went on a nationwide campaign with the slogan, “Anything can be a kite!”
Turns out, a lot of things can’t be a kite.
Unfortunate Statements
To a divorced mother of three
Will Bott once said to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, ”You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.”[1]
[1] Our mistake. That was actually a quote from George W. Bush, Feb 5th, 2005.
Under Medication
Another unfortunate quote by Will Bott, overheard at a K-Street cocktail party: ”I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.”[2]
[2] Again, our mistake. That was Nixon.
Commencement Speech at Texas A&M
Will Bott, the 2002 commencement speaker at Texas A&M, waxing philosophical: “‘We know there are known knowns: there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns: that is to say we know there are things we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”[3]
[3] Yet again, our mistake. That was Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Defense Department briefing, Feb. 12, 2002
Will Bott Addressing His Checkered Past
”When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never tried it again.”[4]
[4] Wait – sorry – that was Bill Clinton.
During our detailed background check, we learned that Will Bott experimented with marijuana, but never exhaled.
Unfortunately, Will became the poster boy for “Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?”
Questionable Tattoos Choices
Rodeo Clown / Pre-Jenny Craig
Before joining Jenny Craig, Will Bott found work as a rodeo clown, but he terrified the children.
