Tess Talks Twine

Tess Twinehart’s advice to the lovelorn is a regular feature of WLBOTT. She also has expertise in farm equipment, emotional support chickens, and twineology.

In her free time, Tess advocates for waxed dental floss, whole grains, and motion sickness awareness.

Tess is also an Olympic Hopeful.

Dear Tess,

I’m writing you today because I’m in a bit of a pickle. My love life’s in a drought.

I am lovesick,
unrequited in love, spurned, jilted,
rejected, dejected, neglected,
forsaken,
yearning, pining, moping,
languishing, mooning,
frustrated,
miserable, and unhappy.

My love life problems seemed to start when I aligned my hygiene routine to a lunar cycle. Coincidence?

Also, I’m using a New Holland 660 baler, and the hydraulic bale tensioner gauge reads 27,900 psi. Also, after about five minutes of baling, I get an overwhelming craving for Cinnabuns.

I’m wondering if these hay bales are some kind of sign from the universe about my romantic misfortunes. Could my machinery be reflecting my love life?

– Hay Bales and Heartbreak

Dear Hay Hay,

At 27,900 psi, unless you are trying to recreate nuclear fusion in your hay baler, you’d better run! She’s gonna blow!

As for the hygiene, move to a solar cycle (daily) rather than lunar (monthly). You will notice immediate results.

New Holland 660? Good choice. I’d recommend you check out the spring tension (#6) on the twine indicator.

Now, on to your love life. Here are some practical suggestions. Start with

Solar Hygiene Cycle (see above).

Then let’s move on to HTML.

HTML (How To Meet Ladies)

You asked, and I deliver! If your heart’s as twisted as those hay bales, it’s time to take matters into your own hands and find the right person to join you in this glorious farm life. Here are my top suggestions for meeting a future wife, Tess-style:

Hay Bale Yoga Classes
Speed-Dating on Tractors
Farmer’s Market Love Letters

Yours in twine and romance,
– Tess Twinehart

Dear Tess,

Thank you for your practical advice. Things are looking up. Make hay while the sun shines, etc.

Here are a few photos from my recent romantic outings.

– Hay Bales and Heartbreak

Dear Hay Hay,

That is wonderful news! And you appear to be embracing the solar hygiene cycle – good for you! You should never be in a situation where people wonder if you are accompanied by a goat.

I meant to caution you, however. Most of the young farm-ettes that you meet will be delightful young ladies, but you must exercise caution. Many a good young farmer has been led to ruin by the Femme Farmer Fatales.

– Tess Twinehart