Dear Tess,
I’ve fallen into the habit of listening to air raid sirens. Not just one, but usually five. I like the way they go in and out of phase and produce delightful harmonics. For variation, I will start the playlist in different order, or use the shuffle feature of Spotify.
It’s been a bit of a financial drain – I’ve had to purchase five different Spotify accounts, and I’m thinking of bumping it up to seven. But God bless the endless loop feature!
Lately, the air raid sirens are the only thing that brings me comfort. I fall asleep to the yearning and pleading warnings, knowing that I’m safe within my fetal position.
Unexpectedly and probably coincidentally, my wife left me on the third day of my raid-a-thon. She moved into a double-wide with her sister, her brother-in-law, four toddlers, and seven chihuahuas, hoping to find some peace.
Anyhow, the carburetor float valve keeps sticking on my John Deere Z545R zero-turn mower.
Sincerly,
Waaa-Waaa-Waaa-Narr-Nee-Narr-Nee dot com
Dear WWWNNNN,
Let’s address the big problem first. There’s nothing a Z425 can do that a few sheep can’t do better. A new Z425 is going to run you close to $7K. A sheep runs about $225. The WM2SE (WLBOTT Mower to Sheep Equivalent) is about 31. And you can’t eat your lawn mower.
Not to mention that you are paying a huge markup for green paint. According to Elder G,
John Deere’s iconic shade of green, often referred to as “John Deere Green,” is trademarked.
John Deere uses green (PMS 364) and yellow (PMS 109) to distinguish its agricultural and landscaping equipment, and it has trademarked both colors specifically for this purpose.
Elder G
We provide the HTML RGB values as a caution to anyone that would attempt to violate the intellectual property of John Deere.
RGB: #367C2B
(sided note – I contacted the WLBOTT IP department, and after 3 weeks and 17 unreturned calls, they finally provided me with information about the airsick-bag green they used on the WLBOTT web site.
The magic number is RGB #99aaa4.)
Tess has More Concerns
b.t.w. – nnnn.com, I’m concerned that you may be a Chinese communist agitator, trying to compromise the resources of WLBOTT. Could you please explain this?
[ed. note: our commonwealth liaison cleared up an almost regrettable mistake.]
However, you have presented WLBOTT with an asset opportunity.
Tess Addresses the Air Raid Sirens
Now, as to your air raid question. This seems like a normal response to stressful current events, and an appropriate emotional release. I can understand the intense, almost primal allure of their sound—chaotic, yet rhythmic and subtly harmonious.
Technically, your condition is known as Sirenophilia, which is a sub-category of the more broad category of Alertophilia.
What you must avoid, however, are the more obsessive conditions of Alarmecho Syndrome which can sometimes lead to the often fatal Claxonmania.
Relative to your domestic tranquility, perhaps I could suggest a compromise, like designating an “air raid siren hour” (with headphones, mind you) so our siren aficionado can enjoy his phased symphonies without unsettling the household. And perhaps a peace offering of noise-canceling earplugs might help the missus return home.
Follow-Up
WWWNNNN later sent us photos that detailed the progression of the marital spat and ultimate reconciliation.
Turns out, the sister is a friend of the BLOTT.
As a reconciliation gift, WWWNNNN gave his SU this lovely portrait to help her remember the tranquil respite she enjoyed at her sister’s.
References
One reply on “Tess, Sheep, Chihuahuas, and Claxonmania”
When I was younger, my friends and I referred to the defensive position that one might assume under stress as, “the modified Southern Alberta semi-fetal position.”