Lafcadio Hearn, author of the book Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things, moved to Japan in 1890. He initially arrived to work as an English teacher in Matsue, a city in the Shimane Prefecture. Hearn became deeply fascinated with Japanese culture, folklore, and traditions, eventually settling in Japan permanently. He married a Japanese woman named Setsu Koizumi, became a naturalized Japanese citizen, and took the name Koizumi Yakumo. His writings played a significant role in introducing Japanese culture to Western audiences.
These are AI interpretations of Lafcadio Hearn and his wife Setsu Koizumi, based on this archival photo:
Q: How cool is the Austin Public Library?
A: Very cool.
But the non-Kindle e-book is a pain to read. It is only slightly less convenient that cuneiform clay tablets.
So, we contacted the WLBOTT CFO, and after sending out a dozen request-for-quotes, we were authorized to spend $3.97 USD.
Total internal costs: purchasing, legal, RFQ review: $7,225.
The Kwaidan – WLBOTT – Cuneiform Connection
Hoping to find The Lost Gospels of Nebbish, Bringer of Room Temperature Beverages and Intentional Mild Discomforts, the archeology team was disappointed to find middens full of oblivifacts, contextual debris, and other WLBOTT dusticles.
Elder G takes us fully off the rails….
The Chronicles of Dust and Disappointment: The WLBOTT Excavation
In the blistering heat of the Mesopotamian desert, Dr. Felix Wren and his team of world-renowned archaeologists were on the brink of what they believed would be the most significant discovery since the Dead Sea Scrolls. Armed with trowels, brushes, and boundless ambition, they meticulously sifted through layers of ancient sediment, hearts pounding with anticipation.
Rumors had swirled among scholars: this site might hold “The Lost Gospels,” texts whispered about in hushed tones at dusty academic conferences and late-night symposiums. Felix dreamed of headline articles, lecture tours, and maybe even a poorly made documentary on a streaming service.
Days turned into weeks. Finally, the team unearthed a clay tablet of remarkable preservation. Excitement buzzed through the air. The artifact was carefully dusted off, revealing intricate cuneiform carvings—except instead of sacred scriptures, the tablet bore one puzzling inscription:
“WLBOTT”
The team stared in silence.
“It must be an acronym for something,” suggested Dr. Marjorie Blint, her voice tinged with forced optimism.
“Perhaps… Wisdom, Light, Benevolence of Timeless Texts?” Felix offered, desperate to salvage the moment.
But more tablets followed. Each one meticulously carved with symbols resembling flowcharts, to-do lists, and what appeared to be… crude doodles of chickens entwined with twine.
Tablet after tablet emerged:
- “Better Living Through Twine!”
- A detailed diagram labeled “Twine Force Midnight: Strategic Operations”
- A depiction of what suspiciously looked like an ancient business card reading: “Ask Tess Twinehart: Lovelorn Advice Since 2000 BCE”
Felix’s dreams of scholarly fame crumbled like the brittle parchment he’d hoped to discover.
By the third week, morale had plummeted. The interns staged a small protest, holding signs like “We Were Promised Gospels, Not Twine” and “Down With Ancient Corporate Satire”.
Dr. Blint tried to console Felix. “Look on the bright side—we’ve uncovered the earliest known evidence of… whatever this is.”
Felix sighed, staring at the latest tablet, which depicted a polar bear wearing a sheriff’s badge, pulling over a chariot. “I’m going to write the worst academic paper ever written. And you know what? It’s going to be peer-reviewed.”
In the end, the dig site was renamed “The WLBOTT Archive”, begrudgingly added to tourist maps. And Felix? He did get his documentary—“Ancient Twine: The Lost Threads of Civilization”—narrated by a surprisingly enthusiastic Benedict Cumberbatch.
It wasn’t the fame he’d hoped for, but as Felix often muttered, brushing sand from his hat, “History’s weird like that.”